I figured out my resistence!

Thank you for your loving support fellow travelers!

These past few months, with these past 2 weeks in particular, have culminated in a release and a relief that I knew was on the crest of the wave for me.

The Missouri poet John Michael Hall says, "Learn to love the question." The question that I have been embracing was, "What is my lesson from my recurring emotional pain?"

My answers have come in layers. I wanted a few swift answers, be finished with this issue and ready to move on to the next. Nope, not happening! I learned from my pain that I don't have to have it. Yes, it is that simple.

I tearfully said I feared judgment of me by others, knowing that I do this very thing. I figured out this was the beard to a deeper lesson. I feared my self criticism more. This keeps my pain returning. The evening following Gina's morning introduction of the chant Om Gam Ganapatya [spelling?], I stopped generalizing this judgment issue and got into its details; thus more insights. During the remainder of this cleanse week I did what I promised myself and all of you – to fearlessly, courageously go through this cleanse, not around it but through it to get to the other side.

I added items to my altar, made extra time for giving specific prayers to the best & highest good for those with whom I have the internal struggle. I committed to do just the opposite of judging - understanding their world. I could laugh and enjoy the folly of taking myself too seriously when I finished my prayers. Thank Goodness!

I learned a deeper layer tonight. It is a belief that propels my recurring self criticism. I know I copy-cat-ed my mother's & step mother’s victim role and perfected this in my own way throughout my life. I skillfully wove the small pieces of self doubt, self criticism, fear, judgment of others, keeping up my "looking-good" as I call my armor, and staying isolated into a tight tapestry. I think what I knew was that I could possibly stay in this vicious cycle and this was truly my deep, painful question, “Would I continue to embrace my self victimization / pain or release it?”

My answer is - I TRUST MYSELF! I had forgotten this truth. I did let go of my pain. I AM NOT MY OLD STORY! I had also forgotten that I like me and I so love this life I've been given. I am joyful, spontaneous, generous, creative and I listen deeply. This is my authentic Self !

Thank you for tenderly loving me, sharing your supportive spirit, and sharing yourself with me so that I learned too. THANK YOU!

All my love,
Linda