on seeking approval
So Ganesh goes around and it seems that everyone says something profound/thoughtful/meaningful/insightful and I feel like "oh, i'd better say something profound/thougthful/insightful.....too, or it might seem like I'm 'not doing the cleanse right.'" And if I say nothing it might seem like 'I'm not doing the cleanse right.'" So am I talking in the circle because I need approval, or because I truly want to share. And if it's because I'm seeking approval, is it better to say nothing? And if I say nothing, can I let myself do so without worrying that I'll be judged or admonished for "not contributing to the Kula?" This is a micro-example for one of my big stuggles in life - seeking approval. And it's embarrassing to admit it (though I realize other people probably already know this about me, even if I'm loath to admit it to myself). I could really relate to Ashley's "humble pie" story and worrying about what others may think.
I'm about to go back to my summer job next month - I lead international biking trips for a company based in California. While that may sound like a dream job (and in a lot of ways it is), it's also kind of like doing a cleanse for three month straight and in a much more judgmental atmosphere. You see, after every trip each guest as well as your co-leaders fill out an evaluation which rates you on a scale of 1-5 on everything from knowledge of the area to "fun to be with" (this is basically "how much you like her"). And this isn't one of those evals that never gets looked at - no, our pay is based on, basically, "how much they like you." So for over 10 years, this has ruled my life. In my mind I know that the more I stress about it, the less likable I become, but it's difficult to maintain integrity when someone's tire goes flat, you have to set out the picnic, another guest's luggage is missing and your co-leader forgot to fill the water jug, and all the while this trip-end eval is hanging over your head. Over the years I've been forced to really examine how I operate, how I approach things, and what my attitude is - like we're all doing now. The difference is that, instead of being judged negatively for my faults, this week and this group (you all, especially the instructors), are providing a safe place for exploration and acceptance. I am truly grateful for this and hope that I can find a way to carry this sense of security with me into the summer.
So will I say anything next time Ganesh comes around? I don't know. If I have something to say for the right reasons, I will.
posted by Skye @ 9:52 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
i know where you're coming from, i also have felt like i'm not doing it right if i don't have anything "profound" to say. but then i think thats nonsense, if you do, you do, if you don't, you don't.
by the way, if you've been a bike guide for ten years and that eval at the end determines your job, you must be doing something right!
Skye,
I wonder if sometimes it is our own deep approval we are seeking, and it just gets played out in the realm of others?
I feel like I can never stop finding layers of the onion to peel back and find another place I do not believe I am good enough or where there is a previously undiscovered shadow.
Roberta
Skye,
Ugh, I know this struggle. It's a constant challenge to not let whether or not people come back to the studio be exactly like your eval. It's empowering to accept wholeheartedly that you cannot ever be a 5 to every person. It's absolutely impossible! Some people will be looking for other qualities that are not authentic to you and when we manufacture what we think people want just to get that "5" or return visit, people can on some level sense the falseness and lack of flow. So it still doesn't work out. I try to spend my energy focusing more on what I do best, from the heart so that those who are wanting exactly what I'm giving can receive it fully and those that don't can raise their eyebrows and go elsewhere, not with my spite but with my wish that they find the one they need. The minute I focus on the "ones that got away" is the moment I start stealing from the ones who are receptive. That always inspires me to put my little i on a lower shelf.
I give you a 5+ for your post, by the way.
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