Me and My Shadow

Last night I went to Gina's 5:30 p.m. class at KSY West. What a joy to end the day with a deep, fiery set of asanas! As I was moving from a lunging posture into plank, I became really aware of my leg, foot and toes. There was no pain. It was not even particularly challenging -- it just came into my mind in a flash that this movement was smooth and effortless, that I am up on my toes in plank and chaturanga more fully than when I began practicing asana years ago...an exhale, an inhale into cobra, and as I exhaled up from the mat into adho mukha svanasana, it came to me again that the connection of my toes activated my legs and made lifting off like a plank (not a worm as my friend Sarah reminds me) possible. And then I really understood that this is the true joy of asana -- not the "accomplishment" of plank or chaturanga or eka pada sirsasana, but the awareness brought to whatever form of the posture I express. The being present, wholly present, to the feeling in my leg and toes, not ignoring that feeling because I am just moving through that to get to something else -- the final posture. Wow. Aha! So much different from my effortful former self who just wanted to prove I could DO yoga. Of course, the problem (and the gift) is that the experience of practice is what allowed me to have this moment of awareness...teachers told me over and over that the mind could be in every cell and tissue of the body, that the awareness was the thing, not the form. I heard them, but it didn't change me. Practice is slowly revealing these great treasures to me...

Of course, the shadow side of me reappeared shortly when a little visitor began peeking his face through the mail slot of the studio. At first, I determined that I would use his staring eyes (I could see little more of him than that) as a tool for my practice -- not allowing him to distract me from the flow of my breath and body. But, as he continued to peep in at us, occasionally moving away and then reappearing, I had to fight an urge to hop off my mat, go out into the hall and give him my scariest adult lady look. I did not give in to the urge, and even managed to continue to breathe and work deeply, but I did not forget that even in the midst of the peace we'd created together in our practice last night I was tempted to behave most unyogini-like...