Yesterday morning Big I Gina ("Big" for short) began with a short discourse on the ways in which shifting our thoughts and intentions can shift the energy in a moment, a space, a life. As she spoke, I kept thinking of this passage from the Buddha upon which I regularly meditate --
"The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care;
And let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings;
As the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become..."
All day, I let the seeds of Big's words mingle with those of the Buddha, and I became somewhat sorrowful because I realized how much of my life has been wasted in fear/anger, and inability to forgive. For most of my spiritual journey, I have focused on the way my habits of being affect the other people in my life...but not how they affect me. What I've begun to realize, ala Big and the Buddha and other spiritual teachers, is that these habits of mind tie me to the little I, wind around my heart like a thousand cords anchoring me to my suffering...close down my chest and constrict my breath perpetually marking those emotions on my body's geography.
The Budha said, "habit hardens into character..." And I don't want my character to reflect the smallest part of who I am. Just like I don't want my body to be forever recalling, repeating because of its posture and what's imprinted on its nervous system, the worst moments of my life.
So my sorrowful recollections became an opportunity for the person I am right now to shower the person I used to be with compassion -- she did the best she could given the circumstances...And a time to rededicate myself to continuing the work of untying the knots that have bound my heart.