Stop, hey what's that sound?
Tonight in class, I was listening to Gina talk about going to a presentation on heart health where a number of proven self-care strategies were described. Gina said she had the feeling that few, if any, of the people present would likely adopt the heart healthy behaviors...because, like so many others, they don't perceive themselves as currently having a need to change. Everything is fine right now, so why do something that is difficult or uncomfortable? Of course, the reality is that everything might not be fine and one might not even be aware of it...there might not be a symptom in the world or a measurable physiological indicator.
That's how it was with me. Everyone would have said I was the picture of health. In fact, most would describe me as some sort of health nut. A long time vegetarian, regular exerciser, non-smoker and rare consumer of alcohol. But, one day, as if out of nowhere, a lump appeared in my breast -- my healthy habits and my yoga practice had not prevented cancer. What the %$^#&? After the shock dissipated, I recalled that all of us are subject to old age, sickness, decay and death...even those of us who make every effort to avoid the realities of living in a finite body. Since my prevention plan had failed, I decided that my healthy lifestyle would help me get through treatment, would protect me against side effects, would sustain me when things got tough.
But I also had to stop. I had to prioritize far more than ever before because I had a limited amount of energy. As Gina talked tonight about the fact that so many of us refuse to stop and take a look inside, I recalled one of my spiritual advisors telling me that it took something as dramatic as cancer to make me stop -- and it wasn't that I was doing bad things. In fact, all my busy-ness was what one might call admirable. Serving at the soup kitchen regularly. Teaching lots of courses and advising several student organizations. Teaching yoga classes. Going to church. And on and on and on...When I was forced to pare everything down to the essentials, I realized that all my busy-ness, though borne out of good intentions, continally drew me outward, left little time for stillness. And as I got still, things became clearer...
I don't think my busy-ness caused me to have cancer. But I think my busy-ness was a distraction from the Big I. And somehow, cancer reintroduced me to her, forced me to be quiet enough to hear her voice, still enough to feel her within me.
"Those who refuse to go within go without..."
posted by bhakti69 @ 9:56 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
And in doing "less", your Big I is able to do more. You teach us by example Ashley, may we all be awake enough to learn from you now rather than remember later and shake our heads in regret. Love to you my dear, dear friend! XOXOXO
Thanks so much for all the encouragement Leslie, Gina and Becky. I am always at a loss when people compliment me, and trying hard to learn to receive it and simply say, "Thank you."
And Becky, I don't easily experience or express anger, so I didn't really get angry or bitter in an overt way. I did occasionally have, and still do, a sense that this was unjust. I wondered how God could let this happen to me -- surely I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve this?! When I see people smoking or see super obese people, I sometimes think, "But I'm the one with cancer..." How ironic it is. Once a long time ago, though, my pastor told me that envy isn't worth it because generally all we see of the other is his/her outsides -- we've no idea what his/her life is really like. We talked about that a little during the cleanse. The fact that when we experience challenges from other people it is helpful to recall that we've no idea what is driving them to react in such a "little I" way.
That's the awesome thing about this lesson I've been learning -- my compassion for others is now borne not just from a sense of responsibility or a faith commitment, but from the depths of my experience, which has included not only physical challenges, but also challenges to my very identity.
One of my favorite quotations about anger is from the Buddha: "If you knew what your anger is doing to you, you would shun it like the worst of poisons." It doesn't mean we don't experience righteous anger or have any boundaries, but that we don't remain attached to that experience, replaying it in our minds continually -- when we do, that experience and/or person has power over us, shaping us, and not for the better. Far easier said than done (the non-attachment thing), by the way...
Ashley, I am so thankful that our paths have crossed and I know that I will take your words and outlook on life with me forever. I often thought that when someone touched me in such a way that so many in the kula have it was as though I was stealing from them...their experiences. Now I realize that this is what we are all here for to teach each other and grow and learn from each other. Sometimes I felt like I was sucking people dry but I know now that I am able to give back.
It was great to have so many of the kula in class last night, I truly draw so much strength from all of you every time we are together.
Love
MO
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